Most of our trips together have been action-packed explorations of lesser-developed countries and continents, ones that wouldn't be so easy or enjoyable to delve into if there were an infant in tow. Last year's honeymoon was supposed to be the last big trip of that nature for a while – the IUD was already out and we'd been hoping that it would work while also kind of hoping that it wouldn't work so well to put me in too delicate a state to properly enjoy the adventures that we'd planned – and then we'd tone it down a notch for the benefit of our sure-to-be-soon-to-arrive third wheel: European city breaks, American road trips, even just cocooning at home.
"Wouldn't it be nice to go there?" one of us will ask the other, dreaming of the quaint little villages of Cornwall, the length of the Pacific Coast, the historic fields of Normandy, the pure blue depths of Crater Lake. "We'll go with our children," is the standard response, and we both smile, two drifters, once off to see the world (there's such a lot of world to see), now after a different kind of rainbow's end.
It all seems so simple. We'll go with our children.
The only question is, how do we get there from here?
I don't know. I do know that this journey, the journey of infertility and loss, has been the most arduous and painful journey of my life. I hope that we both can redirect our routes soon, so to speak. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds so much like my husband and I. Between the two of us, we've lived and worked on five continents, and by the time we married a little over a year ago, we were ready to hang up our well-worn backpacks in favour of more prosaic holiday adventures...It's just, the NEED to tone it down, in the form of a chubby, delicate and demanding hanger-on, never made the appearance we'd anticipated.
ReplyDeleteBut you know what? However far you stray from home (or not), you're doing it - travelling side by side, on the not-always-happy or straightforward adventure that is trying to grow your family. That's really something to be proud of. For me, it may not be the road I thought I'd be taking, but the fact that it's brought us so much closer together is a real silver lining, a gift.
I hope you have reason to start planning those 'boring' family holidays really soon!
I love the reference to Moon River in Breakfast at Tiffany's....one of my favorite scenes from a movie! My husband and I are not as well traveled as you, but we often find ourselves somewhere between imagining doing things with our baby and waiting for our baby to actually arrive. It is a hard place to be :(
ReplyDeleteIt seems some people have a magic beam to get them from no baby to baby in the blink of an eye. But some of us have to solve a very hard labyrinth to get to the end with still no guarantee. I don't know how to get there either. I guess we should just keep walking.
ReplyDeleteSending you hugs. Feel exactly the same way.
ReplyDeleteI can very much relate to this post. You will get there someday. I hope the wait is not too much longer.
ReplyDeleteI'm still struggling with "HOW DID I GET HERE?!?!? EXPLETIVE! EXPLETIVE!" I planned our last childless vacation last year. I had no idea what was ahead of us. I should plan some more childless vacations, as it appears we will be here a while! ;)
ReplyDeleteI totally hear ya! I never knew that infertility could truly put your life on hold, consume your every thought, yet so many people dont understand it. I hope your road is short!
We ended up honeymooning in a family holiday spot and spent the whole week imagining how we would bring our children there one day. Now remembering our honeymoon is a bitter sweet activity for me. Because that dream feels so far away. I love that song. Absolutely beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how to go there. I don't know how to turn off your brain and just enjoy the journey. I feel like we try so hard and yet have no guarantees, like traveling and not having a train schedule, or being continually delayed with no explanation. I guess we all have to find something that bridges the gap between here and there.
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