I have a silly habit of adding our cat's name behind mine and Gilles's when writing to certain people, like my family and other fellow animal lovers. My great-aunt's dog, my mom's guinea pig, and my dad's princess, Sali the greyhound, among other household beasts, sign things they send to me, too.
Just before adding an ampersand and a scribble of a feline footprint to this particular gift tag, I took the aforementioned pause for reflection. The barren babyless big sister putting her cat's name on a present for the little sister's little one? Is this really what my life has come to?
No, it most certainly is not.
Sorry, kitty, this one's not from you.
Oh, Elizabeth. It's crap that this whole rollercoaster can make us question (or pause to reflect on, anyway) what were formerly inconsequential little details like signing our pet's name on a gift card. Lots of stuff gets imbued with new, and not necessarily positive meaning. (The very word 'expectant', in a whole range of contexts, now makes my stomach flip just a little each time I hear it). Blech. I so know how you feel.
ReplyDeleteIf it's any encouragement, this fellow Aunt Bitch has just returned from visiting my sister and 1 yr old nephew (he's mere days younger than my Sam *should* have been, had he survived to his due date). Like you, it's easy for me to avoid these encounters, what with them being on another continent. But actually, it...wasn't so bad. He's a sweet kid and it made me wistful for what we hoped we'd have by now, but he's not *my* kid. I realised how really dis-similar our lives are (my sister and I), and how much I love loads of things about mine the way it is. Babyless or not, your life certainly hasn't come to this! And, I have every hope that it won't stay as it is for long, that your kitty will have to be thinking about little competitors for your affections in the not-too-distant future :)
Anyway, all a bit meandering by way of saying I hope you have a wonderful summer despite those longings, give yourself the great break you deserve, and I'll be thinking of you and checking in!
Thank you for the wishes, Sarah! I hope your summer is wonderful too, and full of advancements on the fronts you mentioned in your last comment. You make such a good point about your nephew - that although he's great, he's not yours - and I will remember that as I prepare for this first encounter. My heart goes out to you about the age difference that would have been ... I imagine that could make it even more difficult for you. I'm glad though that your visit brought you renewed satisfaction with your own life - let that feeling continue!
DeleteI don't blame you in the slightest for that decision hun, but isn't it sad that even that small fun quirk of card writing is cruelly denied us now. Hopefully you will be able to re-instate the paw print under the scribbled line of a little hand clutched round a crayon before too much longer.
ReplyDeleteOr above the scribbled line ... kitty was here first! Let me know if Meg needs a penpal.
DeleteIt's so many mixed feeling when it comes to nieces and nephews. I so understand why the distance is welcomed sometimes even if you do love them dearly. Have a wonderful time away and I hope that next trip back home will be together with your own little one, pregnant or baby.
ReplyDeleteNext trip should be at Christmas, so I'd better be pregnant. Just like I'd better be pregnant by the past due date or by ___ or by ___ or whatever. But this time I mean it! Thanks for the wishes.
DeleteI always sign my cats and dog to gifts I give to family members, but I understand why you would want to leave the kitty off this time. Sometime it seems sad to me that I still sign them, too. When I sent out my Christmas cards this past year, all of my animals were on the cover of the card. I was the only one that sent a card like that. Everyone else's had new babies on theirs. :(
ReplyDeleteOn the flip side, perhaps there were people receiving your card who were happy to see pets instead of babies. I know it would help me to feel a little less alone in a child-filled world.
DeleteI also sign cards from the dog, including roughly drawn foot prints as if she actually signed the card. This past Christmas, I didn't send out any cards. We had just miscarried and I thought, no one wants to see a card with just a married couple on it. They want babies. I thought about putting a picture of my septate uterus on there, but only hubs thought that was funny. Merry Christmas from T, J, and her f-ed up uterus. ha.
ReplyDeleteThe blowdryer rocks, by the way ;-) naturally curly hair can be such a bitch, so finding a good blow dryer is like...well, enter any cliche there about winning the lottery, striking gold, etc.
We are still quite possibly going to Finland in the spring--a 2 year contract. Details up in the air but I'll keep you updated.
I love the Christmas card idea! A friend of mine in real life(similar infertility issues) was talking about the Christmas cards that she gets that talk about what the family has done this year. She said, we should do that! It would be the most hilarious Christmas card ever!
Delete"Summer Vacation was great! Then I found out I have a deformed uterus, polyps, and POF. IVF was expensive and a complete failure. Looking forward to what this New Year will bring to my uterus. Peace and Love!" :)
Ha! I don't send out a Christmas letter (or even cards, really ... not that I'm not mentally sending happy wishes!), but my dad does on the family's behalf. I'd love to provide him with my own summary of me, a bit less glossy than what he is sure to put in!
DeleteOh, and Jeanna, Finland - I'm getting very very excited for you! To finish your blow dryer analogy, how about: finding a good one is like getting pregnant after a miscarriage?
DeleteI hate how every little thing in life comes back to this for us now. Isn't it amazing how even the smallest things make us feel inadequate. I'm sorry hon. Try to enjoy the time with your family.
ReplyDeleteThanks Sunshine! It's great to be back home.
Delete"Aunt Bitch" I just spit my lunch out! So hilarious.
ReplyDeleteHappy to please!
DeletePlease don't judge yourself by what you think other people might think of you - it's cute and sweet that you sign your cat's paw. I bet you'd still do it even if you had kids. My bunny is totally our substitute child, when everyone at work starts talking about how much they miss their babies I always chime in with 'yeah, I hate leaving Cherry when I go to work'...;-)
ReplyDeleteI do something similar with a friend. If she mentions something particular about her baby, I say, "oh yes, I know how you feel, my cat is like that too, I find it really helps if you do [this]." Perhaps one day I'll really understand! Cherry - very cute.
DeleteOh dear, I'm Godmother bitch, cousin bitch...
ReplyDeleteThe role can be rather unlimited in scope!
DeleteI hate that we somehow acquire the ability to read into the littlest things--like some kind of anti-super power. Can't be seen as the "crazy cat lady" with no kids. Ugh. Still, I hope your visit with your family is fun, relaxing, and a nice break for you.
ReplyDeleteI was happy enough to be the crazy cat lady until this new aspect raised its disturbing head! Thank you for the holiday wishes, and I hope you too are enjoying your time with your sister.
DeleteHugs. We've been there. Good luck with meeting the baby... It's such a weird space to be in... Loving a little baby niece/nephew so much and grieving at the same time. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Alicia - thinking of you too this very significant summer.
DeleteThe Husband's brother's first baby was born last month. We are gearign up for a visit at the end of this month - 7 weeks, that's not too long is it? OK I'll accept the Aunt Bitch moniker.
ReplyDeleteWe did send them a present though. And signed it from us and the dog. (Also a retired racer who looks a lot like Sali: http://womb4improvement.blogspot.co.uk/2008/08/furkid.html )
The moniker is based more on attitude than on time lapse, so accept it if you feel it fits!
DeleteIf you didn't call your lovely boy a "he," I'd swear Sali was living a double life.
So sad that a happy little activity now brings you sadness. I always include my pets' names on cards as well. Glad to know that I'm not the only crazy fur-baby mom!
ReplyDeleteAll of my nieces and nephews were born years ago, when I was still blissfully unaware of my fertility problems, so I never experienced the love/agony of holding a sibling's baby. I'm sure it will be a very strange experience...I'll be thinking of you too.
I'd smile to see your pets' names on a card. It's nice to be a crazy animal mom!
Delete