Pregnancy announcements are made without blood test confirmation of increasing numbers, celebrations are undertaken before first ultrasounds, before heartbeats are seen or heard.
Here, as everywhere, of course, fate and chance conspire, and tragedy does strike. There's a bit of a flap after somebody shares news of a miscarriage, but the general consensus in the posts discussing the loss posts seems to be that the latter should be avoided because they could create anxiety among the still-pregnants, and "that isn't worthwhile" – because why should one worry about what will never happen to oneself? (Which is exactly what I thought ... before it happened to me!)
(And thus, obviously, the general consensus continues: "Shouldn't the loss posters go to the loss category to post something like that?," to which my reply would be, "No, because otherwise those who 'may just be dumb' indeed will remain suchly, which is also tragic in and of itself.")
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And speaking of anxiety, it does exist, but imagine it like this: "dh and me did the deed last night, did his semen hurt the baby please help!!" (Best response: a dry "is his sperm radioactive?")
Medical appointments are anticipated with glee, as a chance to hear the heartbeat, to see baby alive and thriving on the screen, to add to the pure joy these women are already feeling. "Ultrasound tomorrow," the subject heading will read, followed by, "I'm so excited I can't wait to hear my baby's heart beating again!!!," a sentiment echoed by all the other women who also can't wait for the same momentous event in their own lives.
Well, our next appointment is tomorrow, one more in a string that I haven't looked forward to with anything other than heart-pounding, palm-transpiring dread. In the spirit of the message board posters, though, I will say: "I can't wait for our ultrasound tomorrow. I can't wait to see our baby and hear its heartbeat. I just can't wait."
And if I say it enough times, perhaps it will push away all the fear that there might no longer be one, heartbeat and baby both.
it's so jarring isn't it, the difference between the two spaces? I haven't done any pregnancy-forum stuff yet, just don't feel ready... But I think I will start learning about twin stuff at some point soon. wishing you lots of luck with the scan tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteIt's two different worlds, really. I learned some interesting stuff about twin pregnancies on these forums - like, for example, that women can still be hoping for one (and "feeling" that there is one) even though an ultrasound clearly shows only a single fetus. Like I said, different worlds.
DeleteI know the feeling. I've had real life friends too who are telling everyone without an ultrasound or blood test. It is amazing the confidence they have.
ReplyDeleteI hope your ultrasound goes great!
It's crazy ... it's like they think a positive test means a take-home baby!
Delete(Oh yeah, most of the time it does, doesn't it?)
You are a brave woman to venture onto the WTE message boards! I'm not sure I'll ever be ready for that. But wouldn't it be lovely to be that carefree again? *sigh*
ReplyDeleteGood luck with the scan!
I agree, I am not sure I would ever feel at home there.
DeleteMe too - hence the lurking ... and the mockery.
DeleteThe difference between these two worlds is shocking. I can't believe how innocent people can still be. I envy that in a way. Sending happy and hopeful vibes that the next time you see your little bean they are thriving! Hugs!!
ReplyDeleteI envy it, but I still don't understand it. Even before I knew what loss was, I wouldn't have shared anything without seeing something in an ultrasound. To each our own, I guess!
DeleteI have a love/hate relationship with the forums too. Sometimes they have a lot of great info but wow, sometimes you just have to shake your head and walk away. Good luck tomorrow!
ReplyDeleteI shake my head and take screenshots. Perhaps I should do a "best of the boards" post featuring all of the head-shaking highlights.
DeleteI would love to see that post.
DeletePregnancy Boards are an absolute no go for me. I have one on my phone (baby center app) but I instantly regret it every time I visit. The only exception is reading the birth stories thread now which I do occasionally.
ReplyDeleteMy best advice is to pay close attention to your emotional thermostat and protect your heart.
Always sound advice, that.
DeleteIt is indeed an entirely different world (but my goodness, that one post? Why wait until 12 weeks? Have you NO clue woman!?)out there.
ReplyDeleteIf she didn't have a clue before, she has one now - despite the fairy-tale feel of the message boards, a few people knew enough to fill her in on why exactly one might want to keep the news quiet for a while!
DeleteHaha - I totally had to avoid the pregnancy boards b/c there were just SO MANY ignorant people on them. The joy - yes. That's good - it's a good reminder to us for sure. But the stupidity...I couldn't handle it! I think it's great that you're trying to look forward to tomorrow's appointment though. When I was pregnant I used the HypnoBabies positive self-affirmations track, and I listened to that thing EVERY SINGLE DAY to get myself into a positive frame of mind in regards to both the pregnancy and my birthing time. Let me know if you want me to burn you a copy!
ReplyDeleteThe stupidity is what sucks me in :) It's oh-so-infuriating but, at the same time, incredibly entertaining. And it passes those middle-of-the-night insomniac hours!
DeleteThank you for offer about Hypnobabies. It's funny, I recently looked into it after reading your discussion about how well it worked for you. For the moment, it's too big a step to think about, since there are so many other variables between then and now, but I will definitely let you know. Thank you!
Hi! I've been MIA for too long and have missed some amazing news. Many heartfelt congrats about your pregnancy!!! I hope everything continues wonderfully and you and baby grow well :) Sending hugs and positive vibes!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you, my dear, and I'm glad you're doing so well (and looking so cute) yourself!
DeleteI've seen a few people on Facebook say they are 6 weeks pregnant only to have to make another announcement later that it was too soon. Always breaks my heart for them but I wonder why their doctors don't mention this.
ReplyDeleteBut even if their doctors don't say anything, isn't it just kind of common knowledge that loss occurs? Although I suppose everybody thinks it will never happen to them ....
DeleteI totally get this. The long, stress ridden time in between ultrasounds is not fun for me. I fear the worst, usually get so anxious I make myself sick and breathe a sigh relief mixed with tears that, yes, indeed, I heard the heartbeat again. Wow the world of infertility really does change things. As far as dumb people, it seems you can't get away from them! Thinking of you and your next appointment ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI've cried both times we heard the heartbeat, too. Partly tears of joy, partly the relief of the stress and fear leaving me. It's so nerve-wracking.
DeleteWow I can't even believe that post from WTE. I have also stalked a few boards (i.e. BBC) and found that the general population isn't very understanding of infertility/loss related issues. Even before my miscarriage, it was something that always scared me. I knew a few friends who had them and so I wasn't going to announce until after 12 weeks. NOw I am almost 17 weeks and still haven't announced (sigh). You know I fully relate to the doctor appointment/ultrasound anxiety. I have an appointment in an hour and a half and I am totally freaking out. It doesn't seem to get easier. :( Good luck to you tomorrow. I'll be thinking about you. hugs
ReplyDeleteIt seems like denial is the key approach; "Don't say it happened to you, because then I'll worry that it might happen to me" kind of thing.
DeleteI'm glad your appointment went well!
Even through Googling I can tell that pregnancy boards are most likely NOT going to be a good thing. It's not just that fertiles are clueless as to some of the heartbreak that goes on....it's the stupid questions that I can't handle.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with your next appt!
There was an awesome stupid question the other day. Subject: "distilled water." Post: "safe?"
DeleteI joined one of those message boars during my last pregnancy. It made me so upset but felt compelled to stay in case someone gave an important piece of advice. That is, until lost that pregnancy. I won't go near them again. Because the thing is, those girls (notice I didn't use the word women) will never provide you with anything helpful and they will never understand you.
ReplyDeleteNo, I wouldn't trust their advice or opinion on anything, let alone loss. That is definitely not the place to go if one is seeking comfort.
DeleteWow. I wish I could still have that kind of innocence! On another note, some of my clients think that sex during a pregnancy could poke the baby's eye out. Seriously.
ReplyDeleteWhat ... do you mean to say it can't? ;)
DeleteYep. Dumb exists everywhere. But the innocence--oh, the innocence! (Or is it blissful ignorance?) Either way, sometimes I wish we could go back to that. Hope you get joyful news tomorrow!
ReplyDeleteThe innocence would be nice, but if it comes hand-in-hand with the dumb, I think I'll leave it!
DeleteI get it. I see it all the time on the birth month boards on the bump. The lack of anxiety, the absolute certainty that nothing is going to go wrong and it hurts. I wish I still had that naivete and certainty.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I have noticed that whenever someone starts a post complaining about how the losses scare her and that maybe they shouldn't be there, the PgAL women usually tell her to get over it because it's not about her and as hard as it was for her to read it, to imagine how hard it was to write it.
I'm hoping for wonderful news for you tomorrow.
I'm glad to see that someone, somewhere, is sticking up for someone's right to share their news, tragic as it may be, in the forum they belong to. People should think a little less about the worry it might cause them and a little more about the pain somebody else is going through that leads to that worry.
DeleteI'll be thinking of you tomorrow, my scan is tomorrow too .... its so unfair how cavalier everyone else can be and people like all of us have to wonder and wait apt to apt.... good luck my dear...I'm hoping that your worries will be far away.. and everything is perfect. Xo
ReplyDeleteThank you, Ali, and I'm so happy your appointment went so wonderfully, too!
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