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I think most of us here do not find Facebook to be always a particularly comforting place to visit, what with its constant parade of pregnancy announcements, accompanied by photos of ultrasounds, bellies, and nurseries, leading up to birth announcements and newborn pics and all that follows.
Depending on the viewer's position in life, all that can be difficult to see, but I appreciate that Facebook is a forum for sharing the happenings in one's life, and parenting is clearly part of that. But I do think certain attitudes and mentalities related to parenting and exposed on Facebook are extremely disagreeable.
Among the comments I find most grating is "Welcome to the club!" As in, the club of parenthood – or more specifically, the club of mommyhood, since it's usually one mommy welcoming another. Before joining the mommyhood club, though, one must first join and be properly welcomed to the pregnancy club. Of course.
It's upon reading just such a message ("omg welcome to the pregnancy club!!!") that I'm inspired to share my distaste for such a mentality here. Even if it's true that becoming a parent changes everything, and that the after can never be as the before, the denigration of parenthood into this idea of an exclusive, exclusory so-called "club" gives me the chills.
Should I ever join the club, I'll be there willingly, happily, amazedly. But I will never join the club.
Will anyone else out there admit to being a Facebook pregnancy stalker? What I mean is, do you ever start thinking, hmm, I wonder who else could be pregnant, and then go and look at her profile to see if there are any cryptic messages like "Happy birthday! I know you have an extra special year ahead of you! ;)" and then check again a few weeks later for any updates, and then again until ... yep, there's the big announcement? And the sweet torture of having your jealous suspicions confirmed!
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| get your pregnancy club welcomes here! source |
Oh, I hear you. I HATE the club. My bff writes, without fail on every birth announcement 'Welcome to the mummy club, its the best job in the world, my kids are my world'. Every flipping time. Going through this has made me determined that when I am lucky enough to get pregnant there will be a tiny discreet, picture-less announcement at three months followed by a similar one after the birth. There will be no bells and whistles on facebook. Kitt and I can celebrate ourselves and with our family as much as we like, but everyone else doesn't need to see that. Plus I personally don't want my kids all over the internet so there will be no baby photos clogging up others streams. And yes, I do notice the 'so tired, and its only lunchtime' or 'feeling happy and content' status.
ReplyDeleteWe can start our own club of mommy-club-non-joiners!
DeleteIt always amazes me what people post on Facebook about their pregnancies and births. Someone's husband even put graphic close-up C-section photos on his page - I saw more of my friend (well, "friend") than I'd care to see of anybody.
My favorite (as in most-hated) Facebook meme is the one that goes "I'm the teacher, the chauffeur, the cook, the maid, the etc. etc. ... I am all of those things because I'm a mommy." Well, I'm all of those things too, for myself, as is everybody else for their own selves! That's what life involves!
I could continue this rant for a while so I'll stop myself now.
I've hidden people who are pregnant. Then freaked out because I hadn't seen anything from them. Then I unhide them because I need to make sure they are ok.
ReplyDeleteA girl I know recently announced after their 1st appointment. And today the dad tagged them both at the doctor's office for a routine appointment. That makes me so nervous. I hope so much that all is well with them, but I'm going to have to hide them if this keeps up.
I can't hide people ... I want to know too much. That sweet torture is too irresistible.
DeleteA girl I know announced by posting a photo of her positive immediately after peeing on the stick. It was before I realized, very personally, how little a positive can mean in the long run, but even so, I cringed in fear of what may follow. Everything turned out fine. She's one of the lucky innocents.
I can't handle the Mommy Club crew. I have a lot of friends with kids. Some went that route - "Oh, you wouldn't understand. Not until you have kids. Wink." And others did not. Luckily I have more of the latter than the former, because the Mommy Club folks stopped hanging out with anyone that didn't have kids. "I don't wan't to make new friends, I just want my old friends to have babies so we can hang out!" I'm no longer friends with the originator of that quote.
ReplyDeleteI can understand why ....
DeleteIt's even worse when it happens to real friends. The stupid stuff on Facebook is annoying but doesn't mean much, really, but it's so sad to lose a true relationship over a mommy-club attitude.
first, that picture from FB... is there really an option to add your expected due date and child for that matter?!?!?
ReplyDeletesecond, yeah that whole mommy club. it is all about inclusion and exclusion, which i've never been supporter of. for me, yes i am a mother, but it's not all i am. it defines my life largely as my kids are small and need me, but there is more to me too.
it's like cliques in high-school, the cool clubs etc. i was never cool. still kinda uncool and choose to not be a member of the mommy club, even though i'm a mama.
Yes, there really is! For those for whom birth is too late to get their kid acknowledged on Facebook ....
DeleteGlad you're not a mommy-clubber. I think you're cool for that, mama. (Mama Lola!)
About three months after my first miscarriage, I quit facebook altogether. It was only partly motivated by my distaste for all the hourly belly updates, but even so, it was the best decision I've made. I'm so glad I'm out of that loop of superficiality.
ReplyDeleteLike Cheryl, I am perplexed by those who go around announcing 'I'm five weeks pregnant!'. That was even before my pregnancy losses I had a cousin who was stillborn, so maybe that influences it...) It makes me quesy, like tempting fate.
But the worst, the WORST for me is not even the early pregnancy announcements or the belly updates, but the kinds of comments some people give to parents who 'join The Club': 'Good work Mom!', 'Great job guys!', and the like... Yeah, like those of us who lost our babies, (or could never get pregnant in the first place) just did a bad job of being pregnant, right? Ouch.
Gathering the resistance to quit is on my to-do list. I'm sure it would be better for my mental health, all-around.
DeleteIt does seem like tempting fate - and if the worst arrives, I can't imagine having to retract the news so publicly. Awful.
And oh yes, the "good work" comments. You're right, there is that implication of "bad work" for the unluckies. I also see a lot of "well done" and "clever you" among my English friends, too - sometimes in the context of "clever you, one boy and a girl!" Nice, yes, but is it really so clever? Isn't it just chance?
I am a total fb pregnancy stalker, which I can't understand, since it can be tortuous. Sometimes I don't get why I do that to myself! I have actually become quite good at predicting who is pregnant (or will be), but at this stage in my life, most of my friends are starting families or have already started them. It shouldn't be a surprise.
ReplyDeleteI, too, hate the "mommy-club." I definitely feel like I don't belong.
I don't know why I do it to myself either. And like you say, the results of the "predictions" aren't too surprising when everyone's at that stage of life. Well, almost everyone ...
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