The first, champagne from a small French producer we met at a wine-tasting festival last year. Although champagne is typically opened for celebratory reasons, this bottle was chilled in preparation not for that, exactly, but rather to ... commemorate, shall we say? ... the beginning of another month of waiting, another month of emptiness, both literal and figurative.
The second, non-alcoholic sparkling cider. The same kind that we opened last December. Just in case it isn't too late for 2012 to redeem itself.
Turns out, it is.
I'm opening neither. It's time for something stronger.
***
I said last week that I wouldn't test early; well, my intentions were good but my resolve had a limit. After "just reading" the instructions on Friday, I eventually couldn't resist any longer and was rewarded exactly as I merited with a BFN. Disappointing, but justifiable - it was early yet, especially to be taking an afternoon test.
I could make the same excuse for yesterday morning's negative - it was still a bit early. But last time, that many days after ovulation, I got a firm positive. Then again, back then I was using name-brand early-detection tests (which I wasted in a regrettable frenzied spree of "OMG I'm totally pregnant so I won't be needing any of these tests ever again so why not have some fun with them now!"), while these are the cheapies and I don't know what their detection capabilities are.
But even if they aren't very sensitive, I just don't feel any different than normal, in which case perhaps they detected nothing because there is nothing to detect. Or perhaps there is something to detect but it's not showing up because the tests are broken!
Back and forth, back and forth. Even I want to tell myself to just shut up. Just shut up. This kind of time-wasting, emotional-energy-draining analysis is exactly why I said I wouldn't do anything until today.
***
Well, today put an end to the analysis. There's no way around this morning's single lonely line.
So, cheers. Here's to the next time, here's to the next year.
:| Bummer - I'm sorry, if you have a good strong drink have a sip for me :)It is funny how we always say we are not going to test early... it is soo hard. Cheers for the next time around!!
ReplyDeleteConsider it done! Thanks.
Deletenot sure about the tests in switzerland, but here is canada the dollar store ones are just as accurate as the expensive name brand ones. the technology is the same for the pee tests.the dollar store ones are just not as pretty!
ReplyDeletei love your writing and honesty. i know i have said that before, but the journey you are on is a tough one. honesty is good.
Ah, good to know - I actually ordered them from the US on the internet (there is no such thing as a dollar store here ...). They aren't pretty either but, really, all I care about is the result!
DeleteAnd thank you for your kind words - they are nice to hear.
Well pooh...that sucks. I will have a drink for you as well!
ReplyDeleteCheers!
DeleteBoo. I'm so sorry you're out this month Elizabeth. I too had this irrational thing about *needing* to become pregnant for a 2012 baby...But there's always 2013, right? And anyway, according to the calculations my husband and I are currently using (Chinese astrology, in a desperate bid to restart new starts for possible family additions), this year ends sometime in late Jan. I have no idea why we set ourselves these wierd deadlines...
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I'll be having a strong one for you tonight, which happens to be my birthday :)
Incidentally, there is a great, supportive group of women in a similar situation to you on the ttc thread (dreaded acronyms) over at: http://www.glowinthewoods.com/ttc-pregnancy-birth/
Not sure if that's something you'd be into, but being a fellow expat, I've found the 'company' a lifesaver in my insane, 'how soon should I test?' self-talk moments.
Keeping my fingers crossed for you for soon!
Yes, there's 2013 - but I like your Chinese astrology idea; why not extend this year another month, perhaps that will bring us both the luck we need! You're right that it's irrational to have these "deadlines," and the added feeling of pressure doesn't help in any way. Even so, they're there still. The one I feel most strongly about is my due date from last time - I don't know how I'll be able to get past that if I don't have something else to think about ....
DeleteThank you for the recommendation on the site, which I'll check out.
Sarah, I'm thinking of you on your birthday and hoping it's a good one, followed by a lovely year ahead, wherein you receive all your heart desires. My fingers are crossed for you too!
I totally relate to you and Sarah. When we got married I was so convinced that I would be a mum in 2012 that is has been so so so hard to accept that wont be the case. I still have one last chance (Oing tomorrow) to possibly squeeze in a just before new year baby. But our chances each cycle are something like 2% so I am not going to hold my breath. It really is hard to let go of these strange goal we set ourselves though isn't it. I know I will probably now be hoping for a Chinese year of the dragon baby. But that only gives me another month right! So silly. Sorry it was another let down for you hun. I have a good feeling something is just around the corner for you though.
ReplyDeleteIt is silly, isn't it, the pressure? I was so convinced for 2012 too ... in fact, I had the proof in hand before the year even began. It would have arrived just before our first wedding anniversary, which was also another of those strange goals I had set. And then poof. It was gone. Waaahh, et cetera.
DeleteA 2% chance is small but not impossible ... so good luck for the good old-fashioned try! I have a good feeling for you too.
I am so sorry that it didn't work out. I often take a pregnancy test even when I don't think I am pregnant---just so I can get it out of the way and move on emotionally. If I wait and wait to take it, sometimes the craziness drives me wild. I pee on the stick just to get the negative so I can get it over with. Is that weird? I don't know, but it sucks either way.
ReplyDeleteIf I could accept the negative, that would be fine and I could follow your approach - which I think is healthier - but the problem with me is that an early negative is just the beginning of a very long conversation about whether or not it really is negative! And I can keep that conversation going even after a not-early negative - I was still secretly fantasizing about telling my husband "oops, I was wrong!" until the moment my period arrived! Aaggh.
Delete