Yes, at least there's that.
Friends in the internet who have had a miscarriage – what's the worst thing you heard after telling somebody about your miscarriage? And the best?
Tuesday, March 06, 2012
Who really not to tell.
Your previously introduced younger, single, party-girl friend who – when you finally decide to enlighten her about “So when are you two lovebirds going to start thinking about having kids?!” – says her sorries before adding, in reference to her upcoming visit in a couple of months, “Well, at least we can have a lot more fun going out at night when I’m there if you’re not pregnant!”
Yes, at least there's that.
Friends in the internet who have had a miscarriage – what's the worst thing you heard after telling somebody about your miscarriage? And the best?
Yes, at least there's that.
Friends in the internet who have had a miscarriage – what's the worst thing you heard after telling somebody about your miscarriage? And the best?
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The worse for me was the whole world because after the 'I'm sorrys' and the cards, no matter how much I want to hash it out on the floor in the corner with God, I was expected to jump back into life. The job and everything else needed me to get up, out and over it.
ReplyDeleteMy last miscarriage happened many years ago but when a coworker recently had a healthy baby after several complications, it was like my miscarriage happened just days prior. I started all over with the questions to God even though I somewhat had an answer. It's not that I didn't want her not have a healthy baby...I just wondered why I didn't.
Through the one doctor that didn't choose to calculate every poor decision I'd ever made into the equation, I found that I am a DES daughter. Both my sister and I are actually. While we both were able to carry a child, both were preemies. My nephew was 1 lb at birth. Once given this information, I decided to stop trying but I don't think my sister has given up hope.
I think you're doing the most healthy thing you can do by expressing your feelings so keep writing. I dusted myself off and gave the crowd what it wanted and I think that's why it still has the ability to take be back to the exact day and time. I wish I had some catchy comeback for those around you but I don't. I can say, however, you will heal and get a whole lot stronger as a result of all this.
Sending you a cyber hug, a peck on the forehead and much love.
Thank you for being here and for your kind thoughts! It sounds like you have been very strong in face of others’ expectations, and I hope you can keep moving forward, even though those terrible moments can resurface. These things can be devastating, I know.
DeleteI have lots of worse comments by SIL after giving birth to a perfectly healthy boy "anything that could have gone wrong during labor went wrong" and my co worker who was 2 weeks ahead of me said to me after her baby kicked(I took a very long leave of absence) "oh good she's still alive) I lost 2 babies one at 8 weeks, and one at 11 6days HA HA the best the BEST BEST BEST??? My other SIL apologized to me after sharing knowledge of my 6 yr nephew's sickness she told me that someday I would have these conversations It was great because she still had faith in me!
ReplyDeleteI am sorry we have this in common but I am glad I found you!
I’m glad we found each other too! Can’t believe the insensitivity of your coworker, yikes. I am so sorry about your losses but I hope you too are keeping the faith!
DeleteUgh.
ReplyDeleteThe worst thing I heard was from my mom. The day after I found out that my baby no longer had a heartbeat. She offered to be my surrogate. She's 53 and has had a partial hysterectomy. Not even sure if it's possible, and I don't even care to find out!
Whaaaa .........? How is that even possible?! (And I don’t mean biologically/physically!) Here’s hoping it was just a moment of temporary insanity and no more such suggestions have been offered. And I am so sorry about your baby.
DeleteThat is bizarre. So sorry!
DeleteThe worst is when friends tell me that at least I don't have to deal with the problems they are currently having with their children. "I wish I could go on vacation, but I have a kid" "At least you don't have to deal with this constipation that comes with pregnancy" Thanks for helping....
ReplyDeleteThe best comes from people who know what I'm going through. That all I really need is someone to say they are thinking of me.
You’re right, sometimes it’s just the simple “I’m thinking of you” that suffices! Especially when it comes from somebody who has been through something similar and can understand – that’s one of the things I love about meeting new people here.
DeleteI miscarried right before Thanksgiving in 2011, and our Papa also passed away several days before that. At Thanksgiving dinner my Father In-law said a little prayer and at the end he said "We miss those who are no longer with us no matter if their heart beat for 93 years or just a few short weeks", it took everything in me not to break down at dinner. I felt so much emotion that he acknowledged our little bean, it made me feel like it was real, like it really happened. It helped me a great deal and I love my Father In-law so much for his bravery to speak of such a sad depressing thing when no one else had the courage to. The hardest things were not what people said, it was the lack of most everyone not saying anything at all. I do not fault those around me, because how can I possibly expect them to know exactly what to say. It has been a somewhat lonely road at times, but one I have learned a lot from.
ReplyDeleteI’m touched by your father-in-law’s sweet thoughtfulness. What a good, kind man. Hugs to you after your two losses, your bean and your Papa – what terrible blows to suffer at one time.
DeleteI just found your blog and love it! I got pregnant in December and ended up miscarrying in January after the heart had stopped.
ReplyDeleteThank you! I’m a fan of yours too – I saw yesterday that you had followed me, went over to read your story, and left a few comments sprinkled here and there. I'll be back :)
DeleteSo many people tell me that I am young so I can try again. HA! Even those who know what is going on say this to me! Sometimes I am pissy enough to actually say, "But my eggs aren't young." But I agree with someone else who commented...the worst is when people completely ignore it and expect me to act normal. The best is when people give me a hug and ask me how I am or if I want to talk about it.
ReplyDeleteGood comeback to an annoying placating comment. And yep, it can be just the fact that someone is there for you, without saying anything in particular, that is the best.
DeleteI have to agree, avoiding the topic hurt me more than trying to talk about it. I have friends who I have known 10+ years who "avoided the elephant in the room" when I saw them after my miscarriage. Then I had friends who I had only known a short time who offered their ears, who offered to get me out of the house and not talk about their babies, who gave me hugs and who actually went out of their way to ask how I was *really* doing. I thought the ones who knew me longer and know me better would be the ones to try and draw me out, not the other way around.
ReplyDeleteI also hated it when people expected me to dismiss my feelings and tell me it was time to get over it. It was always worse when I was told that by someone who had never experienced a loss like mine.
The WOST comment was from a co-worker after I came back from being off from my D&C. She said, "Yeah, my husband had a bad week last week as well." I'd rather her have told me I have time, I'm young, or that it was God's plan. But to compare what I had experienced that week with her *husband*?!?! Yeah... No... Not cool. (Can you tell I'm still just a little bit bitter about that one?)
Funny, I've noticed the same thing too - that it's my newer friends, the ones I met after moving to Switzerland or through my husband, who've been the most supportive. Maybe there's something about not having the deep relationship that makes it easier to drop all pretenses that everything is okay.
Delete"My husband had a bad week too"?! So cruel and thoughtless. Sorry you had to hear that after all you'd been through.
MIne is by people who are completely unaware. I had just a day off work when I found out there was no heart beat and when I came back to work everyone asked if I was "feeling better now" and I just wanted to shout, "no, not really, not at all, at the moment i am a walking coffin and next week I'll have any baby remnants scraped out of me. So on balance not really feeling better." Of course I said "yeah, I'm fine."
ReplyDeleteEek. Oh yeah, just fine, nothing a day off work and some tea with honey and lemon can't fix ....
ReplyDelete