The nurse firmly yet kindly refused my somewhat desperate plea for another blood draw or two between now and then. "You need to be calm," she told me. "These numbers are fine. Just trust."
I'm trying to. But when I envision this first ultrasound, all I can see is a screen showing an empty black space among the grey, the frown on the doctor's face as she measures the size of the void, Gilles's look of shock and dismay as he touches my hand, the rest of the world dissolving around me. Just like at the last first one.
There were at least five more after that last first one, and nobody ever gave us a picture to take home with us.
I can't imagine taking a picture home with us after this next first one, either.
I hope I'm wrong.
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| taken for EmHart's September Photo Challenge. |
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| today with bonus photo-bombing outtake! |
Although it was not our first u/s....I know that feeeling of going in with hope only to see no heartbeats anymore. Devastating...and it makes all further u/s that much more scary. Listen to your nurse. Have hope...send positive vibes to that bean in your belly. At this point....you do not have control. So hard to accept that....but you can surrender to it and accept the joy of being where you are TODAY...TODAY. Tomorrow will hold it's own joy...let today's joy be celebrated. Hugs. I know this is hard.
ReplyDeletekd
My fingers are crossed with you.
ReplyDeleteMy fingers are crossed for you too. I still get nervous seeing ultrasounds. Not seeing a heartbeat scares me to death, so I know exactly what you're going through. I wish I could tell you there's a secret code to not worry, but if there was, I'd know it myself :) I'm going to hear baby's HB in an hour because I scared myself trying to use an at-home doppler last night. I would be the girl calling for more blood tests too. Try to take a deep breath and relax with your hub and that precious cat. Praying there's a beautiful beating blob on the screen next Friday.
ReplyDeleteI know the feeling. For several months before my wedding I just couldn't imagine the day actually happening. Every possible worse case scenario went through my mind and not just crazy wedding mishaps but actual terrible things. I think it's just my anxiety talking and I can only imagine how I would feel in your shoes. My fingers are crossed for you taking home a beautiful picture.
ReplyDeletemy fingers are crossed for you and your in my thoughts and prayers, waiting can be the most awful thing ever. I know it's easier said then done but try to remain somewhat positive and hopeful it will help :)
ReplyDeleteLots of Love ♥ Alexis
I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you.
ReplyDeleteWe're all hoping with you. Fingers are firmly crossed.
ReplyDeleteI feel for you girl. It sucks to say that I have been there done that. I understand how crazy anxiety inducing ultrasounds are while at the same time being potentially amazing. I am hoping so badly that this time they give you a lovely little picture of your baby to take home with you. Keep your chin up! XOXO
ReplyDeleteFingers are tightly crossed for you!!!!
ReplyDeleteWishing you all of my hope too my friend.
ReplyDeleteI have EVERYTHING crossed for you.
ReplyDeleteFingers (and toes) firmly crossed.
ReplyDeleteKeeping my fingers crossed with you...I know just how you feel. ~hugs~
ReplyDeleteIm hoping right along with you!!! xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteEverything crossed and hoping like crazy for you. Keep breathing and feeling whatever comes up for you. The anxiety and fear make sense to me. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteOh boy oh boy, I hope you're wrong too. I want this so much for you! Sending you love and good thoughts today and in all the days ahead!
ReplyDeleteMy fingers are crossed for you, too!!
ReplyDeleteIt's going to be AMAZING. You have alllll the hope in the world on your side from strangers.
ReplyDeleteSidenote, I would kill for your hands. My fingers look like sausages.
Hope is a fickle thing. You have A LOT of crossed fingers all pointing in your direction though. May this next first one be just the first in a series of many happy moments - and may you get a picture to take home every time.
ReplyDeleteTwo weeks to go and my fingers are crossed all the way with you. Take deep breaths and one day at a time. You'll get through it and I truly hope that you will see nothing but a flickering heartbeat on that screen.
ReplyDeleteI hope you're wrong too!!
ReplyDeleteI had a dream about this last night. I went in and saw a big empty sack. It was awful. October 12 seems so far away. I'll be hoping for you!!!
ReplyDeleteI know it's so scary waiting that long... and from the outside looking in it's easier said than done - but you really just have to believe.
ReplyDeleteFX for you and a healthy/happy baby & U/S!